A Promise of Recovery

“Punching Clocks with our fantasies. Influence call on me…inspire me. Are you the better part of me?.” – Vanaprasta

My face was numb from the excitement and adrenaline pumping through my veins. I felt as if I were floating off the ground and that everything in the Universe had just stopped. Stopped for you. To me there was nothing in that moment that mattered more then you as I held you in my arms for the first time. I had just watched you come into this world and I was never going to let you leave it. I made a commitment to you that I would do all I could to protect you, love you, and be a teacher to you. I was consumed by your spirit I had never felt so connected to someone in all my life. The feeling of unconditional love I had for you in that moment and every moment since was more then I could ever explain in words. As the tears rolled down my cheeks, I knew you were an anchor for me to continue in my recovery and I wanted to make you proud to be my son.

God has saved my life multiple times and has given me moments of rebirth in my spirit to many times to count. March 9^th, 2002 was one of those moments where He filled my spirit beyond the capacity to which I could contain. That was the day my first born, my son, came into my life. Ever since I can remember I wanted to be a dad; but knew I couldn’t be much of a dad while I was battling an addiction to alcohol and heroin. Thankfully by the time he came into my life I was 2 years clean and sober.

The anxiety and excitement of being a new father, newly in recovery was one I had no experience prior, to have prepared me for. I surely needed to live a recovered life before my son, but even more so now if I wanted to be the father, I felt he deserved. Little did I know that for an individual in recovery, or at least for me; even being 2 years sober would have my disease challenge me and bring up every possible insecurity and challenge every character flaw within me. Unresolved issues of my own childhood would come flooding back. The negative self-talking demons of my past would rear their ugly heads freshly ready with new ammunition to fight me on a battle ground I was new to and unfamiliar to as a parent. The disease of addiction is cunning like this and is never fully absent to the addicted even when they have abstained from a substance for years. It will always be looking, lurking in the background of our minds patiently waiting to exploit any unresolved shame, for shame is its life blood.

Traveling into parenthood newly sober was and still is one of the greatest blessings and promises I have received in recovery; but is one that will challenge all aspects of recovery. For me living by spiritual principles to help me maintain sobriety was key, but it was also key for me as a father to practice and allow me to be patient, loving and kind. As well as how it helped me manage my anger, that resulted from a place of shame and pain for me. If it wasn’t for the tools, I was taught in early recovery along with a deep connection with a higher power I fear the father my son would have struggled to know and connect with.

My parenting in recovery has been far from perfect but has been one of great learning for me and has helped me develop a vulnerability and connection with my children. Without the support of others in recovery, recovery tools and principles to apply and live by, along with a spiritual connection the mistakes I have made and continue to make, whether it be yelling to much or selfish self-absorbed isolation. Would have taken me back out in a whirlwind of self-pity. Having the proper supports and tools in recovery have helped me grow out of most of my own personnel shame and have given me the heightened awareness of being selfless for someone else.

Since the birth of my first son I have gone on and been blessed with two other children and my wife and I’s fourth, a little girl, is due in the next few months. My children have all been spiritual anchors for me. They have inspired me, in my darkest of moments, to continue fighting for them and for myself whenever life got hard. Recovery allowed me the opportunity to learn how to be a father and others in recovery taught me the tools I needed to navigate being a father. There is no question to me that the disease of addiction is a powerful force, and even when sober it will manifest itself and try to pull us back into its pit of hell. But it is also no question to me that recovery, the action part of it, produces a far more powerful result. I am grateful that God and recovery blessed my children with the father they deserved and not the father I was on the path to become. My children have provided me with the opportunity to not only spiritually grow and become a better man, but they provided me with the want and desire for me to want to be a better person. God has blessed me and exceeded all that it had promised me in those early days of recovery. I have been given far more then I deserve or that is necessary. Through out all the trials of parenting in recovery my children have taught me, inspired me, made me a better person and they themselves are and always will be the better part(s) of me.